Acts of gods

8:30 a.m. CST

“FarmState hotline, this is Liz, how may I help you?”

 “Well thank you for calling Mr. Rodriguez, you say for your claim that this is an act of god.  Out of the 3800 registered Major Deities, and 3101 minor deities registered with FarmState, could you identify which god and/or goddess is responsible for this tragedy?”

 “Sir, you do realize that worship of Quetzalcoatl stopped over 1500 years ago, and he has not renewed his license for practicing lordship in the last 1400 years?  Yes sir, I understand that you do worship him, but animal sacrifices and pasting feathers on bull snakes does not necessarily mean we recognize him.  We appreciate your call.

9:30 a.m. CST

“FarmState hotline, this is Liz, how may I help you?”

 “Another act of god? Wow, well, which registered deity do you have a complaint about?”

“Well, Mrs. Smith, Poseidon is one that is registered with us, though his following isn’t in the high numbers.  Could I have your account number?”

“Mrs. Smith,  could I really ask how Poseidon had any influence on you while you live in Flagstaff, Arizona?”

“You were visiting the Gulf of Mexico when your car was hit by a wave?  I’ll forward you to an adjuster, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up.  Thank you for calling.”

10:00 CST

“FarmState hotline, this is Liz, how may I help you?”

“Well, hello Mr. Green, how can I help you today.”

“Excuse me?  You wish to claim an act of god against YHWH?

“Um, sir, are you a practitioner of the faith?  Yes, Judeo-Christian?   Excellent sir, may I ask your sect name and Pastors/Preacher’s name?

“Well, sir, by subcaluse 4-340a, on all claims against YHWH we must inform the hierarchy of the sect you are in to make sure they know that you claim that it is YHWH’s fault for your earthly problems.”

“Hello?  Sir? Mr. Green? “

“Are you there?”

10:15 CST

“FarmState hotline, this is Liz, how may I help you?”

“Yes ma’am, I can look at your claim, could you give me your account number?”

“Thank you ma’am.  Um ma’am, I’m sorry we will not be able to process your claim today.”

“No ma’am, I couldn’t help you if Tuatha DeDannan herself came up and hit you in the face.  You did sign the atheist’s waiver.”

“There’s no need for that type of language, Mrs. Hunter.  If you wish to not be considered an atheist, then please contact your friendly FarmState representative.

10:30 CST

“FarmState hotline, this is Liz, how may I help you?”

“Yes sir, Mr. Brown, I have you right in the system.”

“Another act of god?  Again?  Sir, according to this, you are a follower of Wotan, also known as Woden/Odin.  I am impressed Mr. Brown.

“Yes sir, impressed.  We’re happy to serve you. We just need the papers we sent you filled out.”

“Yes sir, the papers.  Witnesses that you did hang on the world tree, pierced by spears, for nine days and nine nights.  We need those in triplicate, plus your druid’s official registration numbers. 

“No sir, we at FarmState aren’t paid to have a sense of humor.  If you start today, within two weeks we’ll be able to start processing your claim.  Have a good Wednesday.

10:45 CST

“FarmState hotline, this is Liz, how may I help you?”

“How may I help you, Mr. Carter?

“Sigh.  Another act of god.  Which deity would you like to make a claim on?”

“Excuse me? Could you spell that for me?

“Okay, Y-O-G S-O-T-H-O-T-H.  Ah, one of the elder gods.  Well, I’m sorry sir, the only three claims we can justify: a) insanity, b) total or partial devourment, or c) the destruction of the world.”

“No sir, your car being melted does not count as total or partial devourment.”

“If this doesn’t satisfy you, please consider a different deity to worship. Thank you for calling.

11:01 CST

“FarmState hotline, this is Liz, how may I help you?”

…

(Special thanks to KAD for pushing me on this, and for inspiration: Douglas Addams, Neil Gaiman)

The Following Are On Notice

Three Lives

Three Lives intersect.  Three people who stand out from the crowd, who made a difference or at least a dent in our popular concsiousness.

Two were writers, one was a leader. One was devoutly religious, one was devoutly intelligent, and the other was humanistic.

And their lives intersect.

Aldous Huxley, writer of the classic Brave New World, was know for his intellect, his wide view of the world, and his use of Mid-Altering drugs.

Somewhere in the mid-fifties, he bacame a devout follower of these drugs, trying to find one that would let him escape, but also harmless (he tried LSD, mescaline and a few others).

Huxley wrote 47 books over his lifetime, but will be remember for Brave New World and Point Counter Point.

Clive Staples Lewis, also known as Jack, is well known for his children's tales, if you wish to call them that.  He was also known as the greatest Christian Apologist since the apostle Paul. (Personally, I think Lewis was a better writer than Paul).  But previously, he was world reknown for his critical work of Literature.

A lonely man, whom married late in life, and took children in during the war, loved Metaphor.  He good friend Tolkien despised it, and it became a sticking point.

Ironically enough, in Surprised By Joy, Lewis said he was "dragged kicking and screaming" into the religion he represented so well.

Jack is possibly one of the most well known modern Christian figures.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy.  President. Leader.  Husband. Father.  What's known of him is legion.  Conspiracy theories abound about his death.  His wife was almost made to sainthood, and so was he.

Not too much can be said that hasn't been said before.

Three lives.  Three extraordinary men.  Their lives intersect at one point.

November 22, 1963.  DOA.

-T

Three Books

In 1961, the original curmudgeon, John Steinbeck, published Travels With Charley in Search of America a non fiction book, a travelogue if you will.

But for Steinbeck, it was a rediscovery of America... even in his own words it was his memory of twenty-five years that he wrote his works, and that was unforgivable.  So he and his dog, Charley (who only responded to French commands) traveled across America.  An amazing book, Charley turns out to be about Steinbeck's America...  It's his observations on America more than about America itself.  Which is fine, because Steinbeck was known for his America, his observations that, a year after this was published, won him the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Fifteen years or so later, Robert Pirsig took a trippy motorcycle ride to Montana with his slightly mentally ill son.  Through out this work, he holds a class, a Chautauqua (in his words) if you will, in quality and the definition of quality.  Excuse me, let me correct myself, that's Quality.   This was a Journey not only of geography but also into his mind, past and his beliefs.

It was the precursor to the "New Age" publishing phenomenon, but still, Zen & The Art of Maintenance stands apart as a true physical and spiritual travelogue.  It asked us what our values were, told us we didn't have to be afraid of technology and made us question our trappings.

Around the same time, but published later, William Trogdon (his nom-deguerre is William Last Heat-Moon), took a converted van and drove the circumference of the United States on the old state highways... and at that time, on the maps, the state highways were always in blue... and such Blue Highways was born.

Heat-Moon sub-titled the book A Journey Into America, and so it was.  As a true journalist (funny that, never realized Journey, Journal, Journalist), he let the America he saw speak through the people he met.  Interspersed with true insights into Historical events and socialogical dialogues, Heat-Moon saw and participated in the America of his time.

Three authors, three books, three Americas.  They all took a journey, some more spiritual, one more ego-centric than the other, but they saw and discovered America.  The America of their time.

All three books are worth anyone's time to read.  They are classics.

America is still out there, away from the metropolitan areas, the politics, the moral outrages.. it's somewhere on the blue highways, the interstates and the back roads.  It's an external journey as well as an internal one.  And it deserves to be discovered.  For the America of our time is different from the America of the Sixties, Seventies and Eighties.... it's our America... and we deserve to find out what it is.

Thoughts anyone?

(This is a repost of my myspace account)

-T

Jockey Shorts, Sunburn and Slot Machines

There is stupidity, idiocy, sheer idiocy, insanity and then the male condition.  Maybe It was a bit of all the above, but I made my bed, and now I get to sleep in it... sleep a lot that seems... when I'm not writhing in pain.

The concept:  Ride our motorcycles from Oklahoma City to Laughlin, NV in less than 24 hours.

obstacles:

1) Rain storm... no make that drenching rain storm in Weatherford, OK.  Cost: 2.5 hours.

2) Sleep.  As in none... or at least two and a half hours.  Which is better than my compatriot X-Ray.  He had none, plus a quantity of alcohol.

3)  My butt.  As in it hurt.  A lot.  Really a lot.

So did I make it?  Did we make it?  Well, no.  We made it to Vegas, but not in the time alotted.  Stopped at 800 miles.

The concept was from The Iron Butt association... it was their Saddlesore... a thousand miles on a bike in less than 24 hours.

Didn't make it. 

But my sore butt was dry.  I bought a $25 pair of jockey shorts.  Best damn money I ever spent.  My pants were soaked, but the area they were protecting... comfortable.  Highly sugest them.

Needless to say, I have sun burn and sun tan.  Not so pleasant.

And Vegas?  Well, what happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas... and apparently so does my money.

Anyway, a few tips if ever you decide to do this:

  a) Tell all of your friends and loved ones that you are going to do this task.

  b) call your travel agent and book rooms at your favorite casino/hotel.

  c) Call your psychiatrist and check in on your sanity.

  d) Call your best friend, then threaten to kick his ass for letting you even think about doing so.

  finally, e) Call the travel agent back and book plane tickets and forget the motorcycle.

-T